


Pirate Protector

by hariboo



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Cross-Generational Friendship, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, very mild sexual content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-20
Updated: 2014-07-20
Packaged: 2018-02-09 17:59:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1992426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hariboo/pseuds/hariboo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hook is definitely not Henry and Neal's babysitter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pirate Protector

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kenzotenmas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenzotenmas/gifts).



> this is for Hayley who made me fond of Hook “His Real Name Is Fucking Killian” Jones and thus a mockery of myself. This is the highest order of crack, but also, let's not lie, could happen. Quick warning, Hook has a dirty mind, but everything is pretty mild.

“Die, zombie, die!” the lad shouts. Killian growls punching the buttons on the controller (that’s what Swan and Henry called it) harder and harder as this game is clearly rigged, and yes, he’s lost again. He watches his character die, some zombie dog thing eating him alive, and cringes. These games are startling realistic. He’s rather sure that’s intestines hanging from the animated animal's animated teeth. 

Killian leans back on the sofa, watching the lad Henry gleefully kills these zombies and that’s when David, Mary Margaret and his Swan burst in. Small Neal is Mary Margaret’s arm, sounding fussy, and he barely has chance to ask what the hell is going on and why they have those looks on their faces when Mary Margaret is putting the babe into Henry’s arms.

“Grandma!” Henry yells and Killian bites down a grin as Henry’s character dies on the screen. Serves him right. 

“Sorry, kid,” Swan speaks up, drawing Killian’s eyes to her and he winks at her. She rolls her eyes and keeps talking to her son. Killian would be insulted, but honestly that eye roll was mostly fond, which means she might let him be on top tonight. “But we need to go out and we need you to watch Neal.”

Henry grumbles but settles back on the sofa and shifts his uncle on his lap. 

“Why me?” 

“Because,” Swan says in that voice that screams mother and Henry rolls his eyes. 

Killian stands and pats the boy’s shoulder. “I guess we’ll have that rematch another time then, lad. Shall we go?”

Swan shakes her head. “Yeah, not today, Killian. I need you to watch him.”

“What?”

“Why?”

Henry and Killian look at each other for a beat before turning to Swan. She looks like she’s trying not to laugh at them. Not on, Swan, not on.

She turns to Henry first, running a hand through his hair, and touching her baby brother in his arms carefully. “Come on, I thought you liked spending time with Hook.” She looks at Killian, smiling, and he’s honestly not charmed by her trying to con her son. He’s not.

Henry grumbles, shifting Neal. “I don't need a babysitter.”

“And I'm no babysitter,” Killian adds, because he is not. 

Swan’s face sets and glancing at each other Henry and Killian sigh. They know that face. She stands, hands on her hips, and there’ll be no arguing with her now. “Well today you both us. Henry, you’re watching Neal. Hook, you’re watching Henry. Think of it as a mission or something and just do it, guys.”

They both grumble, but agree. Killian hooks his hook into one the belt loop of her jeans and tugs closer. Swan laughs, but doesn’t kiss him, just pats his cheek like he’s the bloody teenager.

“Thank you,” she says, and moves to kiss Henry's forehead. “Hopefully we won’t have any trouble.”

In this town? Killian snorts.

Swan eyes him.

Mary Margaret thanks them both, and David thanks Henry. Killian does not bristle.

As Swan heads to the door, Killian has a thought and calls out, “I except recompense for this! In full!”

Swan throws a dirty smirk over her shoulder. “Oh you’ll get it.” And Killian feels a little shiver down his spine. That smirk usually means she's wearing the leather and he's in the silk. He loves when he’s in the silk.

However, that seems to be the moment that David seems to pick up on what his daughter is _not_ saying and glares at Killian. 

"Wait what does _that_ mean?" 

Swan is suddenly rushing out, Mary Margaret blushing behind her, and David levels Killian with a glare. Killian grins back. He turns his grin to Henry who just looks at him and says, “Gross, seriously. That's my mom.”

Killian shrugs. "Only one of them."

"Ew, grosser."

Killian snickers.

Then Henry looks down at the baby and his face twists. “Uh, Hook, I think we need to change him.”

“SWAN!”

“MOM!”

\- 

That’s the first time it happens and while it takes takes them two baths, four towels, and a whole pack of the nappies this realm has to change baby Neal, Killian thinks they do a mighty fine job. For the most part. The baby is alive isn’t it?

What he doesn't get is why it keeping happening after that. 

-

He’s walking into Granny’s, pulling at the collar of his jacket, when suddenly there’s a flurry of movement and he’s got Mary Margaret’s earnest face in front of him. Her eyes wide and pleading and Killian almost runs back out. Being with Swan is fantastic, her family however is exhausting.

“Killian! Here, grab Neal! I have to rush down to the hospital, something happened David and Elsa. Magical frostbite or something! Emma just needs me down there and I don’t want to risk Neal’s safety! Watch Henry, too!”

And like that he’s got a baby in his arms, and the door is slamming shut, and what just happened?

He looks at the half empty diner - most of the town have been cosying up in their warm houses ever since Elsa’s come into town - and catches sight of Henry at the counter. He’s nursing a frown and hot chocolate. He waves morsley as Killian moves forward. In his arms baby Neal shifts and tugs on his ties of his shirt and begins chewing on them. Killian sighs and gently tugs the tie out of Neal’s mouth. The shirt might not be the cleanest thing. He moves Neal into his good arm. Granny raises her brows over the counter and that’s when he realises his good arm has the hook. 

He can see why this might throw some people off, but he hasn’t stabbed himself or anyone else with his hook in ages! 

Killian grins at her. “Trust me, old wolf, I’ve done more delicate things with this hand than hold a baby.” He leers and Granny looks a bit disgusted as she moves away. Killian smirks and sits next to Henry. Neal fusses, gripping at his lapels, making Killian look for that handy bag that Mary Margaret always carries with her now. 

“Lad?”

Henry pulls out the bag and the nippley looking thing, handing it to Killian, who lets Neal grab it and start gumming at it. 

“Thank you, looks like it’s just us men again.”

Henry shrugs. “Whatever.”

Teenagers, Killian thinks, Neverland has turned him off teenagers for all his lives. 

He lifts Neal up onto the counter in front of him and lets the baby smack his face with his wet sucky thing-- pacifier! That’s the name! Neal’s got tiny baby hands. They smell like powder and milk. The child is cute, Killian can admit, and hopes Neal doesn’t take after David. No child needs that burden. 

And thinking of David, “Your grandfather will be fine, Henry.”

“It’s not that, I know he’ll be fine.”

“Oh?”

“They keep treating me like a kid.”

Killian wants to tell Henry that he still is a kid, but again, Neverland has taught him too much about teenagers. Lessons he’s never wanted to learn. He hates teenagers. 

Instead he says: “They’re just trying to protect you.” 

Henry levels him with a look that’s pure Regina, because no one in the Charming family can hold that level of contempt. Well, he tried. Killian shrugs and makes a face a Neal. On the counter Neal wiggles and almost tips over. Kilian takes it as Neal thinking him hilarious. The babe’s got good taste. Henry reaches out to steady him the same moment Killian does. He actually manages because Neal seems to like shiny thing and grabs at Killian’s hook. He just manages to pull the point away from Neal’s small hand.

“And I would not say no to having some help with your uncle. He’s quite the handful.” He shakes the hand Neal is holding. Henry’s eyes go straight to the hook that has small fingers wrapped around it. Killian tries not to feel insulted. He fails. 

“Fine,” Henry sighs and it’s the most put upon sound in the world. Honestly, teenagers. 

Killian smiles. “Now, what do you say we try the new games at the Rabbit Hole.” Henry perks up at that, the lad loves a good arcade game. They stand and Henry grabs Neal’s baby bag. He helps Killian strap him into the baby carrier and they’re off. Killian grabs the carrier’s handle by the hook, eyes Granny when she sputters because honestly the woman acts like he’s endangering the child somehow, and flips her a gold coin for her trouble. 

Henry snickers at his side. 

-

And it’s entirely possible that Killian forgot that minors aren’t allowed in the Rabbit Hole, but Jack says nothing and he’s used to slightly more murderous teenagers who definitely used to steal his rum crates on Neverland. Henry’s a good lad though and doesn’t drink, just plays his games and watches his uncle as Killian regals the patrons with some tales of his past. Neal, the little prince, gurgles and blows spit bubbles at him. Killian's sure he’s got the making of a true pirate. He also takes his bottle like a champ, only spitting up on Killian once. Henry laughs and takes him while Killian sighs over his ruined jacket. 

Unfortunately that’s also when Swan comes and sees her flushed son - and he’s only had root beer, Killian’s made sure! The lad just really gets into his games. - holding her gurgling baby brother who still some spit up on his chin and Killian is scrubbing his jacket with club soda cursing all children. 

Needless to say when she handcuffs him up later it’s not the fun way. 

\- 

You would also think that would discourage the woman about leaving the children with him. 

Alas. 

-

In short, this is something that eventually happens: 

“HENRY, FASTER LAD! FASTER!” 

Later Killian will realise that listening to Henry who has a hero complex even bigger than Swan’s was not the best idea. Less so when they were meant to have been heading straight to the loft after being told to be careful, because the ice monsters were no longer under Elsa’s control. The others were going right to the center of the storm and David had all but shoved his son into Killian’s arms while Swan had kissed him hard in front of her parents, something she tries to avoid, and told him to look after the boys. 

How and why he’s been deemed the boys’ protector he doesn’t know, but he’s mostly taken the role to heart. Sounds better than Official Babysitter, if anything. 

But, like he was saying, the lad. He’s his parents’ boy alright. 

He ducks away from Killian on the way back to the loft, heading towards the edge of the forest, to where the well is and…

They learn that Elsa _definitely_ is no longer had control of the ice monsters. Killian had all but tossed Henry in front of him, tucking Neal into his chest with one hand, brandishing his sword with his other and they all set out in a hard run. 

Which brings them to now. Henry is running ahead, trying to run and call one of his mothers at the same time. All the while Killian is hoping that Neal will only grow up to remember this as fun adventures where he was very cold and snotting up a storm on Killian’s neck and pulling on his earring as they run through the forest. 

Killian yells for Henry to run faster, wincing as trees and then cars are knocked as they get closer to the center of the town. They need to get to the loft. Regina has protected the whole building with her magic and it might just be safest place in the world at the moment besides her home.

That’s when Henry slips on a patch of ice in front of him. 

Killian skids to a stop. 

“Hook, keep going!” the lad yells, and honestly, a hero complex even bigger than Swan’s. Killian misses the days he didn’t care about anything but his revenge, because even as he’s hauling the lad up and pulling him forward he’s still pretty sure they’re going to die. He’ll miss Swan’s angry glare the most. 

Henry yelps as he tries to walk forward, which oh holy seven seas, probably means he’s hurt his ankle. Killian pulls all three of them behind a car and tucks the now fully crying Neal into his chest. He’s probably deaf in that ear. His earring surely bleeding from the grip Neal has on it. He really does like shiny things.

“Lad, how bad is it?”

“I think it’s just twisted.” Henry’s voice cracks as he answers, reminding Killian of how young the boy really is. Killian sighs. The air is getting colder and the ice monsters growls are getting louder. 

There’s really only two options here. Run or die. He looks around for a third one. He’s a pirate for god’s sakes! A cheat, a scoundrel, a thief! He knocks his head back against the car they’re hiding behind.

Oh. He _is_ a thief. 

Henry’s been trying to quiet the baby, who’s ruined Killian’s favourite vest with all his snot and tears. 

“Henry?”

He looks up, eyes wide and fearful, but brave. Killian is really hoping he is his parents’ son. 

“Yeah?”

“You wouldn’t have happened to learn how to steal a car?”

Henry blinks, eyes going wide, “Steal… a…” he looks at the car they’re hiding behind and then his eyes light up like Swan’s do when she’s about to do something naughty. “I think I can hotwire it. Mom lost a bet and I made her teach me, and Grandpa taught me to drive…kinda.”

Killian really loves Swan’s criminal past and honestly feels he might have underestimated good old Dave. He hands Neal over to Henry, stands, and smashes his hook into the car window. The alarms blare, making Neal cry louder, and then Henry is scrambling to pop the door open, pulling at the panelling under the wheel--

They’re off just at the ice monster breaks into the street. 

-

They manage to get to the loft before everyone else. Killian shoves the boys into the bath, instructing Henry to get them both warmed up, as he pulls of his vest and rummages for a new top. 

By the time Swan and the others return Neal is happily sucking on his warmed bottle. Henry has his leg elevated -- they don’t lie to Swan or Regina about him slipping on the ice, just about everything else -- and Killian counts his lucky stars nobody is the wiser. 

The next day when one of the dwarfs, Sneezy, he thinks, complains about his mangled car in the diner Killian and Henry slide down in the booth they’re in and choke back their smiles. Neal gurgles in his mother’s arms. Killian will have to teach the babe how to keep a secret. 

-

Now Killian wishes he could say these instances stop occurring, but he’s not _always_ a liar. 

David and Regina aren’t really fans of his influence on the boys, but they can’t deny they are almost always safe with him -- kidnapping and accidental consumption of magical things notwithstanding and for the record not always his fault - not to mention he’s become fond of their company. They like him and find his stories funny, of course Neal doesn’t understand most of them until he’s older, but he’s a rapt listener, and compared to others in this strange town they are not the worst two people to spend time with. 

Swan also seems to really like when he’s in Pirate Protector mode -- he is _not_ nor will ever be a babysitter -- and her payment system is quite acceptable. This world is very strange but fluffy handcuffs are quite genius.


End file.
